A diagnosis and a diatribe

That earworm has been persistent and I’ve been preoccupied with trying to figure out why this, and why now.

And I think I figured it out.

It’s because I think i saw something important in that song. It’s still pretty fucking ineffable, but the talk of one hit wonders when I was digging into the story behind the song itself and interviews with the artist, and listening to other songs of his, I found the pattern I was looking for.

Some things can only happen once: those perfect moments where you feel the most like yourself. It’s the perfect concordance of all of the things -emotions, memories, desires – that make you happy. A preponderance of squee.

It’s so rare to see something like that, something important. Most times we look because other people tell us it should be important to us. Sometimes we look because that’s what we tell ourselves.

There was a moment a few years ago for me like this. I was struggling with where I was going to go next, what I was going to do because science had become lost for me, an I was lost for it. I was at a show at a bar with some friends, and I saw something important that night in one of the musicians in one of the bands. I saw a perfect union.

You don’t see that often. Most times people give up before they can become great. Other times the ambition outweighs the heart, and they never grow into it properly. Seeing someone so perfectly suited to being exactly where they were are in those moments – that’s important to me.

Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. To feel like everything that came before was leading up to that moment. And because that’s how i can believe it might be true for me one day too.

Go do something important.

Make me sick with envy.

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