There is an interview thingy going around right now and because it’s Friday (and I’m still so enthralled because I forgot this morning and finding out was like finding out today was FUCKING CHRISTMAS), Imma do this thing. ::nods to K. Marie Criddle for the impetus:: And for added fun, I’m going to answer all of these with as many pop culture references and song lyrics as I can:

Are you a rutabaga?

Negative. I am a meat popsicle.

When was the last time you ate lion meat?

Shortly before the last time I woke up naked in the forest beside a deer with its throat ripped out.  They were unrelated incidents.

Upload a heartwarming picture of something that makes you smile.

I really do

If you could go back in time and kick the crap out of someone, who would it be?

"Hey guys! This lightbulb is powered exclusively by my dickishness!"

Name one habit that makes people plot your demise.

I love many things very deeply. If you don’t love those things too, I will spend most of my time subtly trying to convince you your life is small and broken without them.

What song would you like to be playing while you are kicking the crap out of someone?

Tom Waits’ Misery is the River of the World would provide a nice reinforcement of the message the beatee should be taking away. “For want of a life, a knife was lost…”

Where da muffin top at?

1997

How many goats, stacked atop one another like Yertle’s Turtles, would it take to reach the moon?

It would depend on how we would secure the goats to one another, and whether or not the goats have to be alive for it to count. If the latter is not important, the former problem becomes much easier to solve. However, if they must be alive, first we have to figure out how much additional height the spacesuits for the goats would add. But using an average between all possible methods, it would take 6.022 x 10^23 goats.

Describe yourself using obscure Latin words.

“A posse ad esse.” Though on my tombstone, I wouldn’t mind having “Acta est fabula plaudite.”

Why does evil exist?

Bruce Campbell’s exists. When Bruce exists, Evil exists to antagonize him. Therefore without Bruce, there is no Evil.

What the chiz are you thinking right now?

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.” – Who else?

* * *

In other news, I wrote a ridiculous story the other day based on a request from Marie, and it turned out so well that not only did she make an incredible piece of art based on it, but I decided to just go ahead and send it off to a magazine (I have a feeling that saying, “Why the fuck not?” is going to have a huge impact on the success of my writing career at some point). I won’t hear back for a bit, but still – felt good. It’s probably the funniest story I’ve ever written – and a perfect example of my favorite kind of humor: satire.

Next week, I’m going to Yosemite for the first time.

This weekend, my friend Rob and I are going to record as many songs as we can in one day.

And tonight I’m going to do absolutely nothing.

Do something beautiful this weekend in secret. Use it to smile for no apparent reason next week.