Kelly Lagor's Lagoraphobia

Today was a complete bust.

I’ll start off saying this week destroyed me, and I feel a bit befuddled because I walked into it completely unaware. I KNEW this week was gonna be hard just with the sheer amount of shit I needed to get done (both at work and at work after work), but I didn’t want to think about it beforehand because one of those things was two of my closest friends moving to New York (they make an awesome married couple). So I wound up pretending every single thing leading up to it wasn’t really ACTUALLY happening.

Then it happened. Now every bit of me is exhausted.

So I spent a lot of time today watching all of the relationship Kevin Smith movies back to back to back to back (while also getting one of those other things I had to get done done).

It also didn’t help that this morning I stayed in bed to read the last third of Ready Player One.

And now I’m listening to Disintegration.

So let’s see what we’ve got so far: denial, funny nostalgia, painful nostalgia, mopey nostalgia.

That’s usually a good signal to my reptile brain that there’s something I need to start working on if I want to pull myself out of this weird little hole I’ve dug myself into tonight. Thus the Disintegration. I swear, I don’t even have to paint my nails black since they’re the exhaust ports through which the emo escapes my body. The Cure helps facilitate this periodic venting.

In any case I realize I’ve been thinking a lot about friends and relationships lately. No surprises there. I don’t want to get into any of it, really, but saying goodbye is awful. I can see why some people never move. It must be nice to never have to acknowledge the little deaths, the goodbyes that signify the end of a period of your life. Because when people  who deserve their own epochs leave, you feel like you’re losing that part of you they nurtured and helped change. And you sit and worry that the memories you’re left with will be all you ever talk about when you get a chance see them again over coffee because there’s nothing else to talk about.

But I’ve had extremely good fortune to have the people I do in my life. They’re the kind of people I know will always be there with me for the rest of my life. And even though we don’t live in the same cities anymore, it’s only a matter of time before we see each other again. It’s inevitable.

So when I pulled into their driveway to pick up their coffee table to replace my one that was on the verge of collapse (due to a system-wide duct tape failure), I realized it was the last time I’d be pulling into their driveway. And I almost lost it right there in the car.

I had to say goodbye A LOT this past year, and I’m going to have to say it a lot more this upcoming year. And there’s nothing I can do about any of it except keep on plugging away at all of these other things, like reading, slushing, article editing, writing, story editing, band practice, while hopefully squeezing in some errands and some yoga in there somewhere. It’ll make the time fly by until I can see them all again.

At least that’s what I’ll do until the next goodbye in a few weeks.

I went back to look at my end of year post from 2010 on my old blog to see if there was anything I could pilfer for this years’s year end post and I found this:

2010 changed me. More so than 2009 did.

But there will be no 2011 resolutions post, because I’m done making promises. 2011 is the year things will get done.

Well, damn, Kelly. Way to go actually make a resolution without making yourself aware of it, then FUCKING KEEPING IT. So much so, that I might start calling 2011 my “Quit your bitching and just fucking do it already” year.

What did I do? God, what didn’t I do – I wrote nearly an entire album’s worth of ridiculous songs for the Clarion write-a-thon (I still have a few pending), I went to VP, I had my first scientific journal article published (8 years later), I sold my first short story, I went to my first con, made lots of new friends, celebrated the last birthday of my 20’s, won NaNo, wrote a bunch of new short stories, became a slush reader for a magazine I really like, became single again, joined a REAL band, got two new tattoos, and read somewhere between 30 and 40 books. I also got 18 short story rejections this year (last year, I only got three).

A lot of these are firsts for me (the publications, the slushing, the band, the con, the workshop, the songwriting), and seeing an entire year’s worth of intense emotional experience condensed like that, it certainly LOOKS impressive. But each one on its own was the culmination of a series of consistent efforts. I didn’t have to change anything about my life for them, I just had to exert a little more effort. As such, 2011 was an incredible year, full of moments I still can’t quite believe actually happened.

I could look back on all of the resolutions I made in years past for how I want my life to be, but I’m of the mind that resolutions are terrible things. They’re a massive amount of effort to become conscious of at one point. I don’t ever want to resolve to do anything important ever again (unless it’s resolving to finish this cup of coffee, or resolving to go to the liquor store this afternoon before the party – y’know, small shit). Last year, I didn’t make a resolution for anything in particular. I just promised myself I would actually fucking DO things instead of endlessly thinking about them. That’s a slight shift in mindset, not a radical change. I can DO the slight shift in mindset thing. I LOVE the slight shift in mindset thing. And that made all the difference. That’s what made 2011 such an incredible fucking year.

So for 2012, I’m going to follow a similar tack. Sure, there are things I would LIKE to do, like read more, get more rejections, finish writing this book, write more short stories, sell another one, walk more, play some live shows, etc. But those things are things I’m already working towards. Instead, I’ve got something in mind that could be seen as a similar resolution to last year’s:

I resolve to try my hardest to make 2012 even MORE awesome than 2011 has been.

And in order to do that, I’m going to be taking Neil Gaiman’s latest New Year Benediction to heart:

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

On that note, I’ll end with my own benediction. I’m not gonna try to touch what Neil said – dude’s got a way with words. And besides, I’ve put that sentiment into practice for the past three years and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet. So I want to end with something unique to this year, and hopefully unique to next year:

Be selfish: Love others like you want to be loved. Change according to how you want to be changed. And NEVER pass up a chance for adventure.

Wishing you all the happiness I wish for myself,

Happy fucking new year.

I’ve had an extraordinary weekend.

Saturday I spent alone. I sat around reading, listened to music, watched a bunch of Tim Burton movies, made sugar cookies and ordered a pizza. With everyone gone, my neighborhood was quiet. Restful. I recharged all day, knowing I had upwards of a week left in which to enjoy my solitude, to finally recharge from what has been a remarkable fall. What plans I made for Christmas seemed to have evaporated, but at the end of the day, I was okay with it. I figured something would come up.

Sunday I woke up and read all of The Thief of Always while lying in bed. I got up at noon, watched Die Hard and got note of the new Christmas plans. I putzed around the house until it was time to go. I met up with my friends, and hijinks ensued until we wound up at the single most festive bar in all of the world, where we sat and drank Shock Tops, talking about everything.

I slept today until noon, reveling in the warmth and comfort of my bed, then met up with friends at Toronado where we hung out for three hours and I got some non-cookie-based food in my belly. Now I’m back home, fresh from a bath, listening to music and getting ready to dive back into some rewrites I started earlier today.

I love being an adult. I love my friends. I love the freedom I can still find in a life that at times seems stiflingly constructed.

So much of my life has been miserable, it’s beyond wonderful to sit here, warm, happy and rested in the midst of a life I could never have imagined five years ago.

Wishing you the peace you need and the decibal level of preference.